[BillgeeDreamer]

How... did I get wrapped up in this?

I came to Sigrogana for... a new life. After everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong in Oniga, I wanted somewhere I could be seen as new. Somewhere I could just be myself and be happy again. For a while... I think it happened. I found friends, started to learn music, got a job, and was having fun. I had my own little adventuring group, I had joined a band, I have to figure I might've been somewhat decently recognized...

Sometime during the adventures I had, we encountered... Scavenger. I don't know how much that name means to anybody else. I don't know if anyone even cared about him. But something struck me that day. A need to get stronger... a need to become someone who can fight. I've... struggled with why, though.

I never even fought him. He never laid an attack on me, nor did I to him that day. I only watched him as he tore my party apart. Perhaps it was some sense of... wanting to protect my friends? Was it to get stronger so I didn't hesitate to fight? Was it wanting to redeem myself and show that I did have the ability to fight? Or could it even be just seeing the others being able to hold my own... that I might want to be like that someday?

I don't know. And it digs deep into me and burns me any time I think about it. I want to know. What caused me to be so intensely dedicated to kill him?

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I got wrapped in so much. I struck at Black Falcon and learned about Strega, I faced some of my greatest fears and conquered them, hid with those that were even more intertwined with everything... yet somehow along the way I got stronger and found the meaning to my life under falling stars... I made friends I never thought I'd be able to achieve, recognition and comfort from those that seemed to be so far above me, and the ability to help those that were so important to this all...

I faced death once... it was with an Executioner, trying to buy some time to protect an ally in his final attack... its scythe left a hole almost through my stomach. I don't know how I'm alive... sometimes I feel patchwerk. I don't think my stomach ever feels okay after my first encounter with that Executioner... it used to hurt deeply bad inside, like a hex... now it's not nearly as bad, but it holds some... bad space in my head. Something I can't forget. Now a rare pain that... I know isn't real, but hurts nonetheless... not in my stomach, but in my mind...

Somehow... I survived to my goal. We finally managed to get our team... and we fought Scavenger. We brought him down, we did everything we could to counter him, we accomplished our goal with flying colors... and it didn't feel right. He poured so much emotion onto us, to which we poured emotion back onto him... in the end, we didn't even kill him directly... we just had to watch him die. Not that... we wanted to save him really, but at the same time, one couldn't help but... wish he had it better.

...There were two things that struck me. That he said back then, that made me realize everything.

"...It was... the only thing that gave me enjoyment. Our little game of back and forth."

Not... his exact words by far, perhaps, but... I remember, he said that... we gave him purpose, enjoyment, a means to keep going through our game of hide and seek. Us trying to find him, him trying to distract us and run away... and indeed, I think that was true for us as well. We were so... driven to do this. It pushed us to get better, go higher... and then when it was over... there was nothing to do. No reason for us to do more. It was our goal... complete. On one hand, satisfying... on the other... emptying.

"...She reminds me of her. Julia."

...I don't remember his exact words. But... close to his final moments... I remember him saying... my lover, she looked just like his sister. And from what I remember... all of this, it happened because she died. And... I... I can't... remember if he exactly said this, but... I swear, every time I think back... whenever these thoughts haunt me... I thought he said...

"If you lost her, would you do the same? To find any way to get her back?"

...I keep thinking my mind made this one up. Yet I also can't help but remember it... either way, though...
I think I would have... if not for all this...

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I figured it out. I wanted to fight because I didn't want to lose anyone. That day, I was frozen and unable to do anything to help my friends, as I watched them get beat down. I was worried that if they'd get in a situation like that again... they would die. And I regarded every one of them stronger than me... so I had to get stronger so that I could do something. Be it protect them, be it fight with them, be it just strong enough to push them out of the way to save them... because if I failed, I would have felt broken. I wouldn't have been willing to keep going, because it was only reassurance I wasn't strong enough... that I wasn't meant for this. Or that I would have gone crazy, in an attempt to get too much power... to achieve an impossible goal...

And... I thought I did it. I thought I got strong enough to protect everyone. And... I guess I did...

...Keira's death hit me hard...

I had sworn off any more involvement in Black Falcon. I wanted my break. Of course, as fucking soon as I do this, I wasn't there to help her. I may have been strong enough, but I just... wasn't there. I may have not been her closest friend, she may have not been the closest to me, but I realize she is the one who enabled me to do all of this. My connection to the D'Orleans, my encouragement to strike it with Miki, the reason I got to know Kazu well, how I stuck to the Hearth, how I was able to hide and live for the first half of my involvement in this whole thing... and to fail the one thing I could have given in return hurts. 

So I took part in the final battle. Just to hope that... wherever she is, I was able to do something for her.

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After it was all over, I looked up at the sky. Falling stars... it reminded me of that one night. Where I found my reason to continue. And I wondered to myself... why am I risking my life again?

I think I'm going to retire from any hero or mercenary duties or whatever. I'll stick to fighting to defend myself, and those I love. I'm going to focus on my music, and enjoy what I have now, especially now that things seem to be safe - or at least safer on the average. Safer for me and Miki.

I don't want to know what will happen to me if I lose Miki. I could feel myself boiling during the final fight, over the loss of Keira.
I don't want to know what will happen to Miki if she loses me. Especially since... I think she'd fall to it easier than me.
We each have our reason to continue. Let's not lose them.

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May those who lost their lives in the battles rest well knowing they are heroes for standing up against odds which seemed impossible, and that their sacrifices were not in vain...
May those who were injured in these battles recover well knowing that not only are they heroes, but that they saw it through to the end, and will be able to live safe from their own efforts...

The Song Of Love
Ai Nota

愛の歌 
(Ai No Uta - literally, Song of Love)