[damycles]

Located somewhere, either in a very heavily guarded lockbox or on a certain someone's person with an anti-theft chain. There were words written on the front cover in large very aggressive looking lettering as if someone had taken a brush and splashed ink onto it in rage reading DO NOT TOUCH

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Somebody Ruined My Fucking Good Time At The Bar Today:
1/16/342

Today, was another day. I woke the fuck up, James was pretty prompt, as usual, god bless that damn bird. Did the usual shit, got ready, went to work. Some asshole decided that they were going to schedule a fucking meeting first thing in the morning and that fucking sucked. I swear to god. But overall, it wasn't as bad as it could've been. It was a long day at work and, finally, I had the chance to go to the fucking bar.

Yggdrasil, nice place, it's been here for most of the time I've spent in this damn continent. Owned by a friend, or at least I consider them a friend, and it's got a nice atmosphere. One of the nicer bars of Dormeho really. I rode in on Magnus and I just wanted to do one fucking thing. Open the door, sit the fuck down, and drink some god damn alcohol and socialize. I feel like that ain't too much to ask. Turns out I'm wrong. Fuck you Amiras. You're probably not even related but fuck you anyways.

The moment I come in, some people were mouthing off to each other for some fucking reason. Honestly, I couldn't really give that much of a shit over what the hell they were fighting about, I just wanted to sit down, get a drink, and stay outta that scene. But it got worse. This fucking asshole militia fuck, he was trying to "umpire" that shit telling them to go outside for a "fair fight" that he'd "moderate". Fair fucking fight my ass what the fuck's with people and not being able to solve shit like civilized adults? Swear to god fuckers weren't even drunk yet, least they'd have an excuse if they were. Still, at this point I was just watching, might as well enjoy the show. Then it all went to shit.

This crazy fucking bitch, I say crazy because she's fucking crazy, probably, I mean she acted fucking crazy, just jumped off of her god damn barstool and started bashing this woman's head against the floor while chocking her the fuck out. At that point, it was kind've a blur. I was angry but also panicking. [strike]It was somhi[/strike]It was something alright. She was persistent, I wasn't gonna be able to pull her off even if I tried so, I got the guards. Thankfully someone was around, maybe my luck ain't that shit after all. Sorry, Amiras. He handled it pretty quickly, gotta love that guy. Still, I had to take the victim to the hospital and well, I ruined one of my fucking coats. God fucking damn it, blood stains just don't fucking come out. Swear to god.

I was pissed.

I hope that crazy bitch gets arrested. I don't give a damn if they were arguing or some shit, that fucking bitch was crazy. Like, actually crazy. The kinda crazy that don't belong in public. Fucking hell those marks in her neck, I swear to fucking god I just wanted a fucking drink.

The rest of my day was just, uneventful really. I went to the square on Magnus again and well, nothing much happened. Everyone was doing their own thing, somehow the talk turned into a full-blown religion discussion thing. Guess it happens sometimes. They were getting pretty into it. Eventually, it all just subsided though. They all got into their own groups again. Making plans, living their lives. Everyone's always busy, they're always doing something with other people. I was talking with Robin, somehow we went from Religion to history, probably cause I was trying to escape the religion conversation and he felt the same.

My mood was shit. It's always shit but, it's a bit more shit.

Then I was invited to fish. I was surprised, just surprised that someone invited me to do anything at all. Almost surprised enough to forget how much of a shitty mood I was in, almost. He's a strange one. The reaper who started the whole religion discussion thing in the first place. Sometimes, what he says can just, confuse me. But I think overall he's a decent person. I was just, confused I suppose. Confused as to why they were hanging out with me at all, I guess.

But, regardless, we fished, we talked, turns out he was concerned for me. I mean, that felt nice, weirdly enough. But it also felt, not nice. Like, on one hand, I appreciated the concern but the more I think about it the worse I feel that he's having to feel concerned about me. I hate that. Eventually, though we just, decided to stop fishing. Fuck I caught a lot of fish, had to visit the butcher after that shit. And well, he was the one who told me to start this damn journal. He was nice.

Weird thing though, when I turned around Dormeho was fucking wrecked. Like I don't even know how it was fine when we got here, it was almost like there was a black beast attack or something. But that'd be absurd. Two guys just fishing in the middle of a black beast attack with fuck all happening to him, just thinking about that seems fucking stupid. So it couldn't have been that. But then again, I did swear that I heard some howling in the distance or something. Maybe it was the wind, maybe it was my imagination. Regardless I left Dormeho, rode on Magnus back to the square and well.

Chiyo, Alex, Atlas, Yoshino, Calie, Binem, and Gwen were all there. Gwen and Chiyo were talking about, something. Honestly, I didn't want to be a third wheel to that, so I just talked with Calie and Binem for, a moment. But well, Binem left pretty quickly too so, I guess I was back to square one. Waiting for shit to happen. Waiting for a conversation I could rope my way into. Just, waiting. Then Matilda showed up, Gwen was pissed, and I just stayed out of that and started to talk to Alex instead. Apparently, he's preparing something for those guys at the Black Swans, I think that's the organization he's involved with, and he decided to show me what he's up to. I'm actually kinda glad that he's fine with showing me stuff now. Maybe he actually trusts me just a little bit. That'd be nice.

I will admit, I was rather impressed with what he had to show me. I'm kinda proud of the guy. He's doing some good work.

After that, I just rode off back to the mages guild, hopped over to Lispool and started working on this fucking thing. I swear to god, this is some anxiety-ridden work. This shit can it in so much god damn anger into these fucking pages but if someone was to find this shit and read it, I swear to fucking god. I'm keeping this in a lock box. Or buying a chain. Or Both. Fuck it I'm doing both I have the cash to burn. Robbers fucking beware, bitches, you're gonna get the best journal security tech whatever my fucking import market has to offer damn it!

[damycles]

I Dyed My Hair and People Cannot Seem to Fucking Deal:
2/9/342

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I was thinking when I got up in the morning. Right now I'm wondering what the fuck I was thinking when I got up in the morning.

Black Hair dye just sitting in the corner of my god damn bathroom, for months. I bought it a while back never really intending to use it. They all keep telling me, oh you look so old, oh that white hair's not doing you any favors, god damn, of course, I fucking know that. I swear to god, for years I've been holding out. Just thinking, oh if I get less stressed maybe the pigments will come back but, I guess it was time to get real. My stress levels are never going down. But I still missed my black hair. It's been so long.

Next thing I knew I'm coming out with a fresh set of black flowing locks. Guess I'm finally matching with Wojtek, James, and Magnus. For some reason, I didn't think this was gonna be a big deal. I mean people change their hair color all the time and it's not like black's a "bold" color or anything. I was fucking wrong.

Work was work if they thought something, they sure as hell made sure not to say it to my face. The square was a different animal though. You have all these mother fuckers staring at my god damn head as if my damn hair was gonna walk off on its own and do a dance routine. Well, actually some people were pretty nice about it. They said it made me look, younger. I'm not old. But them saying it sort of felt nice in a sense.

Then there was a fucking asshole who called my hair a god damn mop. A MOP. I swear to god I fucking hate wise asses like that. Didn't even have the fucking balls to stick around either, nah he just HAD to fucking say it while he was walking down the streets. Fucking hit and run insults are the fucking worst. God that just made me pissed off. Still, it wasn't just him. Atlas didn't seem to keen on it at first either. On the other hand, Caerus was pretty cool with it. He walked off with that green haired Felidae science gal who's been showing up lately. Makes me wonder... But it's hard to say. Caerus, that man's both single, and not single at the same time.

Still, there wasn't much going on at the square at that point so I just decided to make the rounds on Magnus again. He's been riding even more enthusiastically ever since I've decided to "match his aesthetic". I guess having better chances to show off is what motivates him the best. Still, eventually, I ended up at Varren's Cantina, again. However, there were actually people in front of said Tavern.

Saya and this other gal who I've been seeing around the place but haven't really talked too much with. Has a penchant for black cloaks and hoods so not the most "bold" sensibilities in terms of fashion but nothing offensively terrible either. In a way, it kind've fits though since that also serves to describe their personality. It's one of those times where if I were to call them "nice" I wouldn't be sure if I was saying it as a compliment or an accidental insult. Like they're "just nice" or something like that. But perhaps that's just because I haven't really gotten to know them yet. I guess I could describe a lot of people I know as "just nice" for that exact same reason.

Well, they were on a "girl's night out" but they were willing to let me be an "honorary girl" which, happens more pretty often now that I think about it. God, I wonder what that says about my personality. We went for brunch, they had some pancakes while I went with a classic, chicken and waffles tacos. Well, at least I thought it was a classic. Clearly, they had no god damn idea what the hell I was eating. They're giving me that look again. I fucking hate that look. It's the "I don't understand so you're just a weirdo" look. No matter how much I try to explain that look is never going to go away. I feel so out of place.

Eventually, Saya's brother showed up. He seems, cool, at least in a traditional sense of the word. We went off to shop after that. Weapons shopping that is, which was the one kind of shopping I really fucking wished we weren't going to do. They were just browsing the wears, most for the girl in the black cloak, albeit she wasn't really feeling it with any of the items on display. Eventually, she just decided to buy a weapons part to try and get her blade refurbished from Taneal, who just happened to show up at the time, and called it a day. At the same time, Saya was looking for equipment as well. Looks like she's preparing to get back into combat because she's being harassed by an asshole. At least that's as far as I was able to ascertain the situation. Honestly, I'm, worried, about how far this "fight" she's preparing for might go. Still, Saya's sensible so I'm not too worried. Regardless, she and her brother went to train and well, I was just left to wander about a bit more after that.

Honestly, I'm still kinda torn over this black hair thing. I mean it's the color it "should" be but I guess I've gotten used to the white now. And I guess a lot of other people have gotten used to it as well. But, at the same time, I've already made the change. This is supposed to be a big thing for me. So if I just, change it back right away it'd feel kind've cheap. I guess I'm sticking with black for now then. Fucking hell why am I writing this so late at night I have work tomorrow. I need a drink.

[damycles]

I Keep having to Take People to the Hospital:

I swear to fucking god.[strike] I hate a lot of things. I hate many, many things. [/strike] I don't want this to become a habit. I've been avoiding it for a while. Getting tangentially involved in situations that might call for it but otherwise, avoiding it. But here it is, right in front of my fucking face, again. Senseless violence. I fucking hate violence, and I especially fucking hate violence that doesn't have a fucking point.

I just wanted to go to the bar today. I just wanted to go to the bar, get a drink, settle down and have a good time. Next thing I know, some fuckers were beating the ever living crap out of a militiaman, a mechination guy with a katana, and a guy in a plague doctor outfit that was apparently a Mercalan worshipper but also a Hugessoan worshipper? Weird crowd, but they were seemingly the folks in the right in terms of this conflict. Which was bad considering they were getting their asses handed to 'em.

A green haired guy with a creepy ass grin, and a samurai dude with a scar on his face and an eyepatch. I fucking hate eyepatches, they draw way too much attention to the god damn eye. They were the ones beating down on the other poor bastards. They were good, too good. Those guys didn't stand a chance. The samurai guy just kept burning the ground beneath their feet and dragged them through over and over again until they were broiled. It was, bad.

Someone went to get the guards, I think, but none of them showed up and next thing I knew there were three injured people, one of them so bad they probably needed hospitalization, and nobody else stepping in the stop the fuckers. I needed to get him to the hospital. I tried stepping towards him but the fucking Samurai got in the way. He stopped me, said he was going to cut me if I even touched the guy and well, I believed him. I was stuck, caught in my tracks. I didn't want to call his bluff in case it wasn't a bluff. And I knew I couldn't take a fucking hit from that god damn monster.

It's frustrating. It's really frustrating when there's something that you need to do, someone who needs help, and you can't do jack shit about the situation to help them.

But then, the green haired guy started talking with the Samura, and, after a moment or two, he changed his mind and they left. It was over. I was alive. They were still alive. The militiaman was barely alive and I took him to the hospital right away.

Senseless violence. Trivialization of the immense responsibility that the power of violence holds. It's a flagrant, egregious disregard for the law, and abuse that cannot, and should not be allowed to stand. And yet, they got away with it. Nobody showed up to help, nobody stopped them. They just ran off and left the rest of us to do the cleanup.

It's frustrating. Always so frustrating. I wish people like that could all just burn in hell. Not even die, just burn, for all eternity, so that they can get a better understanding about what it feels like to be on the receiving end of an unending stream of senseless, purposeless, violence.

I can't do that though. It's not my job. Not my place. I have no power.

[damycles]

Today I Found a Body in The Woods:
5/10/342

It's a strange thing, mortality. It's always there, inevitable even. Nobody can run away from it. If the gods themselves can feel pain, suffering, and ultimately meet their demise, then what hope is there for the average folks like us stuck on the floor? I can't even imagine the worst that could happen to us. I mean I can but, I'd rather not. But here I am. Doing exactly that.

Death is frightening. I don't care what philosophy or religious shit you put in my face. Nothing will change that fact. It's an end. Not a new beginning but a poignant, final, end. I feel like a healthy fear of death, is not only natural but needed. But that doesn't mean you should run from it. Honestly, I feel like accepting it, is fucking bullshit, but running from it is also bullshit. It's gonna happen, but just because I know it's going to happen doesn't mean I have to fucking like it right? Which honestly, is why I hate it when something reminds me about it. Puts it in my face and forces me to think about it.

I found a body in the woods today. [strike]God writing that fucking sentence alone just makes me want to[/strike] It wasn't a pretty sight. I don't know how it happened. I don't know how I got there [strike]it was just I just happened to I was just in the area I was just doing that fucking fuck I just[/strike]

I was riding through the woods. I just wanted to get some fresh air, have a good time. Then I saw something. Honestly, it was a flash, a glimpse. I thought I saw something, rather, someone. Someone familiar, a friend maybe, or more likely an acquaintance. [strike]God, maybe I shouldn't have looked[/strike] I decided to investigate right away and, well that's when I saw them.

Tri she was, I mean maybe not a friend. Acquaintance is a better word, I think. I didn't really well, know them that well it was just, you know they were around and we talked I guess and... none of that fucking matters. God, I didn't want to see her, no, I didn't want to see anyone like this just.

It was a mess. [strike][strike]Her body on the ground, sword in the ground, body parts strewn about, on the ground, she was, the body, it was bleeding, motionless, bleeding, a mess, it was a big amesa atihs thie it was the ground an tthe flueids ainda thea thten tsrewen about and it was leaking all over the place wa and it lifeless she was lifeless I swear to god she was I thought she was dead limbless limbs all over the placeuot hOhtU thblI hdo I DOn't aeven I don't under stand I at I afucking ti[/strike][/strike]

Her body was on the ground. Parts of her were dismembered, parts were strewn about, and she was leaking fluids. I gathered up the pieces the best I could and brought them to the hospital. I put on a calm face. They needed a calm face. I messaged Gwen, she got there before me thankfully. I handed Tri and her parts off. I trusted them to take care of things and I left. I left. I just left her there. I didn't do anything. I didn't help I just. [strike]Shut up.[/strike]

I went back to the scene of the crime to look for something. I found nothing. I went to the square to forget. Fhree kept asking questions. I went to the bar to distract myself. Calie and Walter were there and I had to tell them about it. I stayed at the bar to lose myself. Somebody came in with the fucking small talk. Maybe luck is real. Maybe mine's just shit. [strike]Why does this house feel so empty?[/strike]

[damycles]

Back in this mother fucking city:
12/17/343

So, fucking hell it's been a while since I wrote one of these. God damn it I fucking hate my work sometimes. Months and months of assloads of fucking paper work, the usual shit. God what the hell is life? Do I have one? Nah, who the fuck has lives these days.

Still, free time, I had it for once. God it's been a while since I've went to the fucking square. Honestly I've been pretty apprehensive about it. I mean, I got friends there, on the other hand maybe avoiding it's been better for my health. Who the fuck knows? Maybe I "like" the frustrations. But regardless, I can't just randomly cut off some of those folks from my lives just yet.

The square was about as eventful as I thought it would be. Way too many fucking people, as usual. Way too many fucking faces that I know too. Fuck I thought after a while the cast'd rotate itself again and I'd be left with only a few folks who knew me, again. Turns out that was a fucking mistake. Still, I guess in the end I don't really mind it all that much.

Chiyo was still, Chiyo. Gwen was probably still the same but fucking hell she gave herself one hell of a makeover. Didn't even realize it was her till she said something. Alaster's got a face, fucking hell I really did think he was a mech. Julian's still being lusted after by a healthy portion of the female populace, but not at that exact moment of time. Claudia had -another- fucking makeover. I mean, fucking hell, looks completely different, can't say I'm even surprised. Anko's there, and she called me edgy, which was annoying, but her friend was even more fucking annoying and I couldn't be assed to deal with that shit.

Then, magically, Ben, Robin, and Adam all showed up at the same damn time and we decided to take shit to the bar. Things were going pretty well. Adam's love life is still a fucking clusterfuck but he's trying his damndest at the very least. Ben's pretty chill but he's still got a sense of humor which puts him above most other fucking guys these days, and Robin's still Robin, which ain't a bad thing. Saya seemed to be doing fine, same with Iris. I guess where some things change even more shit just stays the same.

Then, this mother fucker comes in, and starts talking about the olden times and the god damn rebellion that didn't happen. I swear to god I'm still surprised when people bring that shit up to this very fucking day. God the rebel times. It was a fucking mess. People were mad, I was slowly turning into a fucking lunatic, and the empire was apparently throwing some serious shit my way which still pisses me off. Mother fuckers can't even handle a fucking letter and they suddenly get the idea that somehow "they" got the right to try and call me the fuck out.

Regardless, I didn't really appreciate the trip down memory lane. They were shitty memories for a reason, and having to explain my own side of the damn shit show to other people's already gotten pretty damn old to the point where I only want to do it when I'm the one bringing it up. But at the same time, they didn't seem like they were being malicious with it so I couldn't be bothered to tell 'em off for it. I swear to god sometimes just being around these people takes way too much fucking energy. Still, even with saying that, I feel like Adam was way more pissed off about it than I was. Then again he might just be more pissed off than me in general right now which, it isn't surprising but it doesn't feel right. He's always had that potential for anger but he was usually the one out of the two of us who kept it down more. Makes me worry sometimes. After all, while most things never change, sometimes they change for the worse.

It was a long fucking day all things considered. All in all, it was nice catching up, but as usual, some of the shit just pissed me off.

[damycles]

I got HIGH AS FUCK DUDE:
1/3/334

Today was, you know, an average day. Rode into Dormeho cause Magnus was needing a bit of a workout. You know how it is with horses, gotta give 'em regular amounts of exercise or they get miserable in those god damn horse pens. Still, found some other folks also just hangin' in Dormeho. Alex, Gwen, few others here and there, that one heavy metal looking Lich dude, Iris. It was a pretty chill time. Well, of course until the mother fucking black beasts attacked. Fucking hell, those things have the worst fucking timing. God damn assholes.

So we made our way into the bar. Nothing special. Alex was there, eyepatch kid was there for some fucking reason. Oh, and Sophie showed up. Honestly, I'm glad that she actually decided to come out of the house for once. I mean hell I am "perfectly fine" with monopolizing all of her time to myself like some kind've overlord of love but, you know, it's nice that she's getting out more.

Fucking hell what happened after that? I mean fuck I think we talked, but like, to be honest, the shit that happened at the bar wasn't really that important. No, it was the shit that happened right after.

Be, Sophie, Alex, fuck I think a few others showed up, Maybe Robin and this cloaked chic I can't remember. One group in the god damn woods, with one giant burning effigy of a person, with some fun-o-grams that we forgot to put music on, and a shit ton of hookahs. Drugs, drugs, and more god damn drugs. One hell of a recipe for a good ass time. God I can't even remember most of the fucking conversation. But I think we were like, ascended or something. God there was like a conversation about clouds and shit, and forgetting how to fall, and rockets on rockets on bigger rockets launched from captapults launched by bigger catapults. But it really cleared my god damn mind for a good while. That and well, actually gave my some quality time to spend with my steady. Guess that's the magic of the god's herb ain't it? So much fucking stupid but, occasionally, something that actually hits home.